I could make wine with my vomit
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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