dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
do herpes really smell.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize