it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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