oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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