I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
