she woke up with a sticky ear
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
