in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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