Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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