she looked like the before picture.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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