I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
