your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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