i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
