I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
