Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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