so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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