So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
