You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You're like the curious george of whores
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
