imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
