Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
