he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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