As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
