FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
