Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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