y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
