Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
