I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
