if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize