When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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