I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
