the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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