I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
