he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
