So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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