I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
