Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
