where am i from again
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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