Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I party with great urgency now.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
