Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
