i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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