We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
