I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
