If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
