If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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