I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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