Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
