I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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