I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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