pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
