mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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