you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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