My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
