All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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