I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
