Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Pooping to opera.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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