Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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